I Do the Very Thing I Hate

From Romans 7:15, "for I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, I do the very thing I hate."

Yes, I just quoted the bible.  I will give you all a minute to pick yourselves up off the floor.  This verse has been rattling around in my head since one of my firsts posts - you know, the one where I said I was going to call my yoga instructor, get out of this group that I knew was seriously disfunctional...blah, blah, blah.

I want you to know that as of yesterday, I have accomplished all those things.  I begin yoga on Friday.  I resigned from the disfunctional group yesterday.  I have been in contact with my ayurvedic guru in Kansas who is getting my digestion back on track.  (More about that later)  I have taken names and kicked butt.  And you all know how this will end, don't you?

I have made this promise so many times I've lost count and in the end, I ALWAYS (by the way, typing in caps does not indicate that I am screaming, it is my attempt to really emphasize a word), ALWAYS go right back to doing what I do...which is stuff that I know is not good for me.  Stuff - food, people, activities, non-activity.....ALWAYS THE WRONG CHOICES.  I read a quote recently that is SO good that it hurts; "The first time it's a choice.  The second time it's a decision."    OUCH!   Why do I/we (cuz I refuse to believe I'm the only human who does this) make these "bad" decisions? 

For me, a big part of saying "yes" is the desperate need to be liked.  I want people to like me and the way to do that is to agree to all requests, no matter how loud my little voice is screaming DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!  For the record, my little voice rarely screams anymore.  She's given up.  All I get now is "big sigh - do whatever you want because I know you will ignore me anyway." 

Another biggie for me is fitting in.  Yesterday I went out for lunch with friends.  We had such a good time!  Did you know that there are California Pizza Kitchens in Mumbai?  Score!!!!!  What I should have ordered was a veg pizza, no cheese, extra sauce.  What I ordered instead was a Thai Chicken Salad.  Nothing inherently wrong with that except I KNOW LETTUCE CAUSES HORRIBLE PROBLEMS FOR ME!  Everyone else was getting a very lady like salad and I didn't want to have to explain my extremely temperamental digestive system.  OMG, I barely made it home.  And I KNEW what was going to happen as I was eating it.  Fitting in for me also means I don't want to be too "woo-woo".  You know what I mean....we all have those friends or family members that are just "out there".   Well, deep down, I AM "out there" but I'm in a closet "out there" so no one knows.  I'm a closet "out there" person.  Yoga is main stream now so I don't have to worry about that - unless, of course, you are talking about the spiritual aspects of yoga, then that's a totally different thing.  So, when I say I practice yoga, people see me in some asana, NOT meditating or working on ahimsa.  My friends here and in the US, with few exceptions are not very"woo-woo."  

Can all this be condensed into one simple sentence?  "Lacks self-esteem."  How very sad.  How sad that I feel I can't trust my family and friends with who I really am.  I imagine a lot of you are feeling or have felt the same things.  And when I commented earlier that you all know how this will end, I meant that I will maybe not do the same things, but I will do equally destructive things again and again and again, until I get a grip on being ok with who I am.  Without anyone telling me that I'm ok, without the approval of anyone else.  It has to come from within.  Let's all keep working on that.

Be good to yourselves!
B


 

What Have You Done Today, Dear?

I am SO over Daryl Dixon!  Please, stop putting pictures on fb and for the love of all that is, WHY does his picture often show up in the "food and drink" column of Pinterest?  Unless......Zombies run Pinterest - in which case, it makes perfect sense.  And another thing - Daryl, sweetheart, TAKE A BATH!  There are zombies that look clearner than you!

Pinterest is like crack.  I always think I'm just going to log on for a second and check on new recipes.  REALLY?  Are there REALLY any NEW recipes?  And, why are all the entrees covered in cheese?  Or made with cream or milk...or cream AND milk covered in cheese.....with cream cheese smeared on the top?  When did a simple apple pie turn into an Oreo encrusted, salty caramaled, fudge sauced, monstrosity?  You know, before Pinterest, you could even pretend without too much effort that apple pie was good for you cuz, like, there were apples in it.  Now it takes more imagination than even I have to see my way through the gloppy mess in a pie plate.

But I digress.  I'm always "just going to check for a second."  Three hours later I look up and see that the sun has set on another day while I have "liked and "pinned" my way through the entire Pinterest palette.  I really hate those days, especially when my husband comes home and asks what I've been up to.  I lie a lot.

I've discovered a couple of things about myself recently - well, not so much discovered as admitted to.  I waste a LOT of time.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing inherently bad about spending time in a little ophaloskepsis (big word for the day - go look it up), but when you notice, like I have, that more and more of your time is spent doing god-knows-what, and at the end of your day you have nothing, not an idea, not a piece of writing, not even a gloppy pseudo-apple pie to show for it, it might be time to evaluate exactly what you are trying to avoid.  In my case, it was writing.

I do not think of myself as a writer.  The world has far, far, far, too many people in it who think every pearl that goes from their brain to paper is of incredible importance.  My family has some of those people.  YAWN!    I certainly don't think I'm funny or witty.  Nor do I think I have anything unique to share.  But, I've always wanted to try it so here I am and here you are and that's how we all came to be together.

So, to recap:  Daryl, take a bath.  Daryl, NOT a food item, Pinterest-bad, some ophaloskepsis good, do what you've been avoiding.

Be good to yourselves,
B

Yes, She CAN Be Taught!

Horray!

You can all find me now!  My friend, Star,  fixed my computer glitch - which was, as usual, operator error.  (That would be me.)   

So, today's big question.  When do you know when to leave "well enough" alone?  Let me rephrase.  How old do you have to be before you can look around you and say, "yes, this is good" and be happy with that assessment?  Maybe the question should be if we should EVER get to the point when we accept "good".  Should we leave that yarn unwound - enjoy the fact that it's just a hank of woven wool?  Or do we feel the need to "fix" it, make it "better", by winding it into something neat and tight and controlled?   Is this even a "how old do you have to be" question?  Maybe it's a "when do we get wise enough" question.  I wonder if, at some point, I received some sort of "enough" message and now it's the best I think I can do/be?  Ya' know?  At what point to we say "this may be good enough for you but "I" need it to be better for me."  The downside of that, though, is you really have to have the courage to stick to your guns - risking that whatever you are trying to fix, i.e., marriage, friendship, parental relationships....really any kind of human interaction you can think of, may have to end or if not end, may change in ways you don't fully expect.  How do we know how tightly to wind that yarn?   Think on these things my thought-y friends and let me know what you come up with!

In other news - I spoke with my maid who was a bit taken aback but, when confronted with the proof of her half-assedness, is willing to clean to my standards from now on.  And, I didn't even say "OR ELSE."  (I was trying to be a big person).   My spine is still weak and wobbly - didn't have the conversation with my friend and haven't called my yoga instructor yet.........but I will.  Promise.

And now, off to eat lunch and go about the usual stuff of life. 

Be good to yourselves!
B

 

It's been a long, long time.

I've been silent (at least on paper) for quite awhile now.  I've been encouraged by friends to continue so here I am...although this blog may be much less chatty, picture filled, and mild mannered.

I've just finished cleaning my kitchen.  I have a maid.  Those two statements seem incongruous.  If you have a maid, you might ask, then why are you cleaning?  Let's face it ladies.  Maids here in Incredible India have us by the short hairs.  I'm convinced they think western women are completely incapable of cleaning their own homes, so, they can do as crappy and half-assed job as they want, charge (in some cases) exorbitant amounts of money, and do shit.  I know maids who spend 8 hours EVERY DAY cleaning the same apartment.  Seriously?  What in the hell do you DO for 8 hours???  Especially when there are two people living in the apartment?????    You aren't actually "cleaning."  You've elevated "looking busy for 8 hours" an artform!

My maid was hired at a salary for more than most of her counterparts.  Within these negotiations was the understanding that she would iron and clean windows.  I made the mistake of giving her 500 rupees more one day when there was a ton of ironing.  Now, she expects it.  She recently hit me up for 500 more rupees if she does windows.  And I agreed.  Because I AM A SPINELESS WIMP WHO CAN'T STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO ANYONE.   Yesterday she was an hour late - no explanation.  AND I SAID NOTHING.  (see spineless wimp comment). 

Sadly for her - I have decided to make some profound changes in my life.  Ok, profound may be a stretch.  I have been in India for a bit over a year.  I have had intestinal parasites 3, YES THREE, times.  I am tired, people.  Freakin, F**kin, tired of being sick.  I recently went on a trip with a visiting friend.  We ate the same things, even sharing food and drink, for 4 days.  She is fine and enjoying the beach in Goa.  I am sitting in a chair afraid to fart.  This does not make me happy.  Talking with my dear, sweet friend, Sharon, I realized my life is totally out of kilter.  I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted.  I am drained completely dry.  Sometimes I have to get like that before I pay attention.  My body is craving nutritious vegetables (washed ONLY BY ME), and fruits (see previous comment).  I have a wonderful juicer sitting unused (and undusted thanks to the ace cleaning skills of my maid).  I have no spiritual life because I have sold my soul to be part of an organization that I don't even care about but that does prevent me from meeting with my amazing, wonderful, wise, and good yoga instructor.  I am giving nothing back to my community.

How does this impact my maid at all?  I am reclaiming Warrior Beth.  I am taking charge of me.  I am going to feel good enough about myself to feel like I deserve lotion on my body (yes, please don't tell me how pathetic that is because I know).  I am going to tell my friend that I just am not able to be part of her organization.  I value and love our friendship - I hope it continues through this.  I am going to start meditating.  I did.  This morning.  It was painful.  My mind went on full-tilt '"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO".  But I did it.  For 5 minutes.  The way I see it, if I keep it up I may be up to an hour in 50 years.  But I will be meditating.  I am telling my maid that "X" is her salary.  No more, no less.  If I choose to reward her with a bit more, than I will but don't count on it.  I am going to hold her to her agreement AND I am going to tell her that if her cleaning doesn't improve, she need not come back.  I don't want to clean my own apartment, but I will.  I am calling my yoga teacher today.

I know I'm not the only woman who feels out-of-whack.  Out of control.  Like life is a snowball rolling down the hill and we just stand there and let it hit us.  What kind of an idiot doesn't at least try to move out of the way?  The kind of idiot who feels like she deserves to be hit in the face, that's what kind.  I don't want to be that kind of idiot any more.  I'm sure I will find 100 different ways to be an idiot - but I won't be that kind again. 

I am only letting a selected few know about this new blog.  Sharon, Anita, Meredith, Megan, Star, Erica, Shani.  Ladies - you are my nearest and dearest.  You all encourage me every day.  Be good to yourselves today!

B