From Romans 7:15, "for I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, I do the very thing I hate."
Yes, I just quoted the bible. I will give you all a minute to pick yourselves up off the floor. This verse has been rattling around in my head since one of my firsts posts - you know, the one where I said I was going to call my yoga instructor, get out of this group that I knew was seriously disfunctional...blah, blah, blah.
I want you to know that as of yesterday, I have accomplished all those things. I begin yoga on Friday. I resigned from the disfunctional group yesterday. I have been in contact with my ayurvedic guru in Kansas who is getting my digestion back on track. (More about that later) I have taken names and kicked butt. And you all know how this will end, don't you?
I have made this promise so many times I've lost count and in the end, I ALWAYS (by the way, typing in caps does not indicate that I am screaming, it is my attempt to really emphasize a word), ALWAYS go right back to doing what I do...which is stuff that I know is not good for me. Stuff - food, people, activities, non-activity.....ALWAYS THE WRONG CHOICES. I read a quote recently that is SO good that it hurts; "The first time it's a choice. The second time it's a decision." OUCH! Why do I/we (cuz I refuse to believe I'm the only human who does this) make these "bad" decisions?
For me, a big part of saying "yes" is the desperate need to be liked. I want people to like me and the way to do that is to agree to all requests, no matter how loud my little voice is screaming DANGER, DANGER, DANGER! For the record, my little voice rarely screams anymore. She's given up. All I get now is "big sigh - do whatever you want because I know you will ignore me anyway."
Another biggie for me is fitting in. Yesterday I went out for lunch with friends. We had such a good time! Did you know that there are California Pizza Kitchens in Mumbai? Score!!!!! What I should have ordered was a veg pizza, no cheese, extra sauce. What I ordered instead was a Thai Chicken Salad. Nothing inherently wrong with that except I KNOW LETTUCE CAUSES HORRIBLE PROBLEMS FOR ME! Everyone else was getting a very lady like salad and I didn't want to have to explain my extremely temperamental digestive system. OMG, I barely made it home. And I KNEW what was going to happen as I was eating it. Fitting in for me also means I don't want to be too "woo-woo". You know what I mean....we all have those friends or family members that are just "out there". Well, deep down, I AM "out there" but I'm in a closet "out there" so no one knows. I'm a closet "out there" person. Yoga is main stream now so I don't have to worry about that - unless, of course, you are talking about the spiritual aspects of yoga, then that's a totally different thing. So, when I say I practice yoga, people see me in some asana, NOT meditating or working on ahimsa. My friends here and in the US, with few exceptions are not very"woo-woo."
Can all this be condensed into one simple sentence? "Lacks self-esteem." How very sad. How sad that I feel I can't trust my family and friends with who I really am. I imagine a lot of you are feeling or have felt the same things. And when I commented earlier that you all know how this will end, I meant that I will maybe not do the same things, but I will do equally destructive things again and again and again, until I get a grip on being ok with who I am. Without anyone telling me that I'm ok, without the approval of anyone else. It has to come from within. Let's all keep working on that.
Be good to yourselves!
B
Yes, I just quoted the bible. I will give you all a minute to pick yourselves up off the floor. This verse has been rattling around in my head since one of my firsts posts - you know, the one where I said I was going to call my yoga instructor, get out of this group that I knew was seriously disfunctional...blah, blah, blah.
I want you to know that as of yesterday, I have accomplished all those things. I begin yoga on Friday. I resigned from the disfunctional group yesterday. I have been in contact with my ayurvedic guru in Kansas who is getting my digestion back on track. (More about that later) I have taken names and kicked butt. And you all know how this will end, don't you?
I have made this promise so many times I've lost count and in the end, I ALWAYS (by the way, typing in caps does not indicate that I am screaming, it is my attempt to really emphasize a word), ALWAYS go right back to doing what I do...which is stuff that I know is not good for me. Stuff - food, people, activities, non-activity.....ALWAYS THE WRONG CHOICES. I read a quote recently that is SO good that it hurts; "The first time it's a choice. The second time it's a decision." OUCH! Why do I/we (cuz I refuse to believe I'm the only human who does this) make these "bad" decisions?
For me, a big part of saying "yes" is the desperate need to be liked. I want people to like me and the way to do that is to agree to all requests, no matter how loud my little voice is screaming DANGER, DANGER, DANGER! For the record, my little voice rarely screams anymore. She's given up. All I get now is "big sigh - do whatever you want because I know you will ignore me anyway."
Another biggie for me is fitting in. Yesterday I went out for lunch with friends. We had such a good time! Did you know that there are California Pizza Kitchens in Mumbai? Score!!!!! What I should have ordered was a veg pizza, no cheese, extra sauce. What I ordered instead was a Thai Chicken Salad. Nothing inherently wrong with that except I KNOW LETTUCE CAUSES HORRIBLE PROBLEMS FOR ME! Everyone else was getting a very lady like salad and I didn't want to have to explain my extremely temperamental digestive system. OMG, I barely made it home. And I KNEW what was going to happen as I was eating it. Fitting in for me also means I don't want to be too "woo-woo". You know what I mean....we all have those friends or family members that are just "out there". Well, deep down, I AM "out there" but I'm in a closet "out there" so no one knows. I'm a closet "out there" person. Yoga is main stream now so I don't have to worry about that - unless, of course, you are talking about the spiritual aspects of yoga, then that's a totally different thing. So, when I say I practice yoga, people see me in some asana, NOT meditating or working on ahimsa. My friends here and in the US, with few exceptions are not very"woo-woo."
Can all this be condensed into one simple sentence? "Lacks self-esteem." How very sad. How sad that I feel I can't trust my family and friends with who I really am. I imagine a lot of you are feeling or have felt the same things. And when I commented earlier that you all know how this will end, I meant that I will maybe not do the same things, but I will do equally destructive things again and again and again, until I get a grip on being ok with who I am. Without anyone telling me that I'm ok, without the approval of anyone else. It has to come from within. Let's all keep working on that.
Be good to yourselves!
B
2 comments:
Beth. . . another one that you've hit way out of the ballpark!
Please. . . seriously. . . keep writing. You express these common frustrations, epiphanies, shames and resolutions beautifully. BEAUTIFULLY! (I'm yelling.)
As for what appears to be shameless self-promotion in my signature (my Etsy shop address), I don't have another URL to use because I haven't finished my personal website in all the years I've had a URL!
OMG, you quoted the Bible!!! As your token woo-woo friend (I am pretty sure we are all actually woo-woo on the inside, but whatever), did almost fall off my chair. I thought I had rabies in my eyes for a second, because I was trying to find a place - any place - for that to fit into anything that ever made sense in the scope of your Beth-ness, but I couldn't. ;) There are many enlightening ideas and quotes in the Bible.
Yeah, I just said that. What of it?
Anyway...iceburg lettuce? It's the devil. The fiber is hook shaped, and it grabs your guts and holds on while it rots, tearing away at the precious and delicate lining of your interior. For real.
Spinach doesn't do that. Can you eat spinach without your butt falling off?
The funny/sad thing about hiding who we are so we will fit in and be liked is that what people love is authenticity. If you showed your spiritual passion, others would love you for it, because it would give them permission also.
Oh, plus meditation is totally en vogue. ;)
Also, just saying, but are you going to let the judgement of a bunch of dysfunctional people who don't have their shit together stop you from being authentic? You want to impress dysfunctional people...am I hearing this right?
Beth, you are one of the world's naturally awesome people, and you have a holy obligation to shine your fucking light so the rest of us can see where we're going.
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