I've been silent (at least on paper) for quite awhile now. I've been encouraged by friends to continue so here I am...although this blog may be much less chatty, picture filled, and mild mannered.
I've just finished cleaning my kitchen. I have a maid. Those two statements seem incongruous. If you have a maid, you might ask, then why are you cleaning? Let's face it ladies. Maids here in Incredible India have us by the short hairs. I'm convinced they think western women are completely incapable of cleaning their own homes, so, they can do as crappy and half-assed job as they want, charge (in some cases) exorbitant amounts of money, and do shit. I know maids who spend 8 hours EVERY DAY cleaning the same apartment. Seriously? What in the hell do you DO for 8 hours??? Especially when there are two people living in the apartment????? You aren't actually "cleaning." You've elevated "looking busy for 8 hours" an artform!
My maid was hired at a salary for more than most of her counterparts. Within these negotiations was the understanding that she would iron and clean windows. I made the mistake of giving her 500 rupees more one day when there was a ton of ironing. Now, she expects it. She recently hit me up for 500 more rupees if she does windows. And I agreed. Because I AM A SPINELESS WIMP WHO CAN'T STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO ANYONE. Yesterday she was an hour late - no explanation. AND I SAID NOTHING. (see spineless wimp comment).
Sadly for her - I have decided to make some profound changes in my life. Ok, profound may be a stretch. I have been in India for a bit over a year. I have had intestinal parasites 3, YES THREE, times. I am tired, people. Freakin, F**kin, tired of being sick. I recently went on a trip with a visiting friend. We ate the same things, even sharing food and drink, for 4 days. She is fine and enjoying the beach in Goa. I am sitting in a chair afraid to fart. This does not make me happy. Talking with my dear, sweet friend, Sharon, I realized my life is totally out of kilter. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted. I am drained completely dry. Sometimes I have to get like that before I pay attention. My body is craving nutritious vegetables (washed ONLY BY ME), and fruits (see previous comment). I have a wonderful juicer sitting unused (and undusted thanks to the ace cleaning skills of my maid). I have no spiritual life because I have sold my soul to be part of an organization that I don't even care about but that does prevent me from meeting with my amazing, wonderful, wise, and good yoga instructor. I am giving nothing back to my community.
How does this impact my maid at all? I am reclaiming Warrior Beth. I am taking charge of me. I am going to feel good enough about myself to feel like I deserve lotion on my body (yes, please don't tell me how pathetic that is because I know). I am going to tell my friend that I just am not able to be part of her organization. I value and love our friendship - I hope it continues through this. I am going to start meditating. I did. This morning. It was painful. My mind went on full-tilt '"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO". But I did it. For 5 minutes. The way I see it, if I keep it up I may be up to an hour in 50 years. But I will be meditating. I am telling my maid that "X" is her salary. No more, no less. If I choose to reward her with a bit more, than I will but don't count on it. I am going to hold her to her agreement AND I am going to tell her that if her cleaning doesn't improve, she need not come back. I don't want to clean my own apartment, but I will. I am calling my yoga teacher today.
I know I'm not the only woman who feels out-of-whack. Out of control. Like life is a snowball rolling down the hill and we just stand there and let it hit us. What kind of an idiot doesn't at least try to move out of the way? The kind of idiot who feels like she deserves to be hit in the face, that's what kind. I don't want to be that kind of idiot any more. I'm sure I will find 100 different ways to be an idiot - but I won't be that kind again.
I am only letting a selected few know about this new blog. Sharon, Anita, Meredith, Megan, Star, Erica, Shani. Ladies - you are my nearest and dearest. You all encourage me every day. Be good to yourselves today!
B
I've just finished cleaning my kitchen. I have a maid. Those two statements seem incongruous. If you have a maid, you might ask, then why are you cleaning? Let's face it ladies. Maids here in Incredible India have us by the short hairs. I'm convinced they think western women are completely incapable of cleaning their own homes, so, they can do as crappy and half-assed job as they want, charge (in some cases) exorbitant amounts of money, and do shit. I know maids who spend 8 hours EVERY DAY cleaning the same apartment. Seriously? What in the hell do you DO for 8 hours??? Especially when there are two people living in the apartment????? You aren't actually "cleaning." You've elevated "looking busy for 8 hours" an artform!
My maid was hired at a salary for more than most of her counterparts. Within these negotiations was the understanding that she would iron and clean windows. I made the mistake of giving her 500 rupees more one day when there was a ton of ironing. Now, she expects it. She recently hit me up for 500 more rupees if she does windows. And I agreed. Because I AM A SPINELESS WIMP WHO CAN'T STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO ANYONE. Yesterday she was an hour late - no explanation. AND I SAID NOTHING. (see spineless wimp comment).
Sadly for her - I have decided to make some profound changes in my life. Ok, profound may be a stretch. I have been in India for a bit over a year. I have had intestinal parasites 3, YES THREE, times. I am tired, people. Freakin, F**kin, tired of being sick. I recently went on a trip with a visiting friend. We ate the same things, even sharing food and drink, for 4 days. She is fine and enjoying the beach in Goa. I am sitting in a chair afraid to fart. This does not make me happy. Talking with my dear, sweet friend, Sharon, I realized my life is totally out of kilter. I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted. I am drained completely dry. Sometimes I have to get like that before I pay attention. My body is craving nutritious vegetables (washed ONLY BY ME), and fruits (see previous comment). I have a wonderful juicer sitting unused (and undusted thanks to the ace cleaning skills of my maid). I have no spiritual life because I have sold my soul to be part of an organization that I don't even care about but that does prevent me from meeting with my amazing, wonderful, wise, and good yoga instructor. I am giving nothing back to my community.
How does this impact my maid at all? I am reclaiming Warrior Beth. I am taking charge of me. I am going to feel good enough about myself to feel like I deserve lotion on my body (yes, please don't tell me how pathetic that is because I know). I am going to tell my friend that I just am not able to be part of her organization. I value and love our friendship - I hope it continues through this. I am going to start meditating. I did. This morning. It was painful. My mind went on full-tilt '"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO". But I did it. For 5 minutes. The way I see it, if I keep it up I may be up to an hour in 50 years. But I will be meditating. I am telling my maid that "X" is her salary. No more, no less. If I choose to reward her with a bit more, than I will but don't count on it. I am going to hold her to her agreement AND I am going to tell her that if her cleaning doesn't improve, she need not come back. I don't want to clean my own apartment, but I will. I am calling my yoga teacher today.
I know I'm not the only woman who feels out-of-whack. Out of control. Like life is a snowball rolling down the hill and we just stand there and let it hit us. What kind of an idiot doesn't at least try to move out of the way? The kind of idiot who feels like she deserves to be hit in the face, that's what kind. I don't want to be that kind of idiot any more. I'm sure I will find 100 different ways to be an idiot - but I won't be that kind again.
I am only letting a selected few know about this new blog. Sharon, Anita, Meredith, Megan, Star, Erica, Shani. Ladies - you are my nearest and dearest. You all encourage me every day. Be good to yourselves today!
B
3 comments:
Oh, Beth! THIS is why we all encouraged you to keep writing!! You are an amazing articulator of thoughts and feelings common to many, many women. Please keep doing this... and then let me be your editor when you're ready to compile your blogs into a book. If you open up this blog to the public at some point, don't be surprised if you're invited to monetize it. You will have a large reading audience.
What's hilarious about me having to sign in as YOU is that this comment will appear to be made to you by yourself. This is really Erica going incognito as Beth. :-)
I love you!
Beth,
Lookie, we fixed it!!
Now for my comment: I love how you speak truth in such a way that I can deeply relate to it - Thank you and keep writing!!!
Beth, Your lotion comment slapped me in the face. I remember having that same epiphany...and then I couldn't stop buying lotion and ended up with 10 bottles of it! ;) I love you.
You gotta get selfish on your spiritual path. Really, really selfish. You have to be #1, or you'll not have anything to give to anyone. I know it's hard for us spineless givers, but DAMN it feels good once you give in to it! And what we think of as selfish is just how 'normally-esteemed' people take care of themselves.
I love you!
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