Hawaii, Here I Come

Hello Friends!

Today finds me in a frantic search for a plastic surgeon.  One who can work miracles in 24 hours (I leave for Hawaii on Friday and this is Tuesday.  I figured I'd leave a day for recouping). 

I am the original saggy, baggy elephant.  I need a face life, chin and tummy tuck, liposuction on my butt and thighs, and if I'm honest, my stomach, and I suspect an attitude adjustment wouldn't hurt as long as we are tinkering about.

How do we age gracefully in a world that photo shops Jennifer Lawrence?  How do we age gracefully when we (and by "we", in this instance I mean primarily men......ok, and maybe VERY snarky women) judge Hilary Clinton not on her political abilities but by her pant suits? 

All I can say is, thank God for clothes!  Thank God for the people who created the "swimskirt".  I used to snicker whenever I saw a woman in a swimskirt - now I think they are the best invention since......since anything!  At this point, I will try just about anything to suck it all in...but I can't suck hard enough anymore!  For my daughter's wedding I resorted to Spanx.  OMG......just OMG......the first thing I did after the ceremony was find a bathroom and rip those suckers off and throw them in the trash!  I couldn't even breathe!  I have a new appreciation for women growing up in the age of the girdle.  How DID you do it?  Girdles and garters and pointy cone boobs?  Oh My!

As is usually the case, I find I am much harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be.  I was discussing plastic surgery with my husband and bemoaning the fact that "the girls" aren't nearly as perky as they once were.  He told me he liked saggy girls.........smart man!  This is why we've been married for 34 years.

I wish I looked as awful as I thought I looked in my 20's and 30's.  Time is just a cold hearted bitch, ya know?  I look at my thighs, which have melted to cover my knee caps, and I think "how in the world did that happen?"  My torso has accordianed into itself, converging around my mid section like a human cowl.  "When did that happen?"  I have bingo arms and a webbed chin.  My feet still look nice....and I still have relatively nice hands -  something to hold on to!

I should have booked a vacation in Antarctica!  Think of the camouflaging layers I could wear!  Heavy sweaters, long johns under jeans, bulky coats!  Instead, I am going where it's going to take an awful lot of self confidence just to  leave the house.  I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be "aging gracefully", which for me is just another way to say "giving up" entirely!  I still dye my hair blond, but who, really, is fooled by this? 

Enough!  I will go to Hawaii with my swimskirt and bat arms.  I will walk onto that beach like I own it.  I will not cast my eyes downward when I see some cute young thing in a bikini.  I will try REALLY hard not to make rude and snarky comments in my head when I see one of those cute young things.  I will have a great time!  Fat tans!  I will hold onto that thought!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!  Be especially good to yourselves this holiday season - sometimes it can be a real downer!

B

 

Thank You, Thomas Wolfe

Thomas Wolfe said....or maybe it was the title of one of his books...."you can't go home again."   I never believed that until I moved to India and tried to do just that - go home again.

The problem with going home is that, what you think of as "home" doesn't exist anywhere but in your imagination.  The people and places may be in the same spot but nothing stays the same.  I don't think you realize that when you are in the thick of it - maybe because you are changing together and most of the time, in the same direction.  Even if you are moving apart, the change is so gradual that it is barely noticeable until you look up one day and remember that you haven't seen Suzie for months. 

 

When you leave - and I mean REALLY leave and try to come back, you spend your time two stepping to someone else's dance.  Trying to fit in - trying, desperately, to hang on to whatever the relationship used to be.  Recalling past shared experiences becomes monumentally boring and you find yourself frantically searching for that one best thing you shared.  And you share it and..........there it is.........silence.  You sit and stare at each other.  At a loss.  Unsure how to continue.  And it's sad and scary and hurtful in ways you may not be able to articulate.

 

When I left, I had dying (practically) declarations of loyalty from every one of the people I considered close to me.  They would email me, skype me, text me, whatsap me, send me long letters filled with newsy bits and juicy gossip.  I existed on that promise.  Guess what?  With vary few exceptions (and I mean one or two people), it didn't happen.

 

And here's the embarrassing part.  I didn't keep up my end of the bargain either.   I made promises I didn't keep.  I swore friendship til death and I dropped the ball.  Except for those one or two people, I haven't made much effort - and the REALLY horrible thing is, it's ok with me.

 

Did we all intend to keep our promises?  I believe in my heart that we did.  Friendship is a funny and fragile little thing.  There is the friendship that depends on the weekly meeting for coffee or drinks, constant communication, and continuous contact, and then there is the friendship that is deep and profound and doesn't need constant propping up and reassurances.

The "must have constant contact" friends are the friends that fade quickly.  You realize that these friendships were built on sand and you shift, and they shift and the whole thing is off it's foundation before you know it.  Then there are the "real" friends.  You've built this foundation on sold rock.  Nothing shakes it - not disagreements, not crazy decisions made by one of you, not distance, not time.  Nothing moves it.  Not one little bit.  You both grow but the growth, though it may be in different directions, is just a wonderful addition to the whole deal and its not a threat and you are genuinely thrilled by this newness in the relationship.

 

To those true friends who read my blog - my solid foundation friends, and I believe you know who you are, you have blessed me more than you will ever know.

 

To Thomas Wolfe:  you can go home again, you just have to leave your expectations at the border. 

 

Be good to yourselves,

B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Surviving in India

Hello Ladies,

I have survived my latest illness and am doing much better.  I have cut out gluten, dairy, and sugar.  I am already bored with my food choices but, having recently returned from a trip to England where I ate all kinds of "bad" stuff, I am glad to be back to my boring food choices!

Now, on to more important things. 

Where can you have:
A. A ceiling fan replaced
B. A hand held shower squirter replaced
C. Two bottles of water delivered for our water cooler - plus the price of a deposit
D. The weekly newspaper

all for the low, low price of $53.80?  That includes all parts and labor.  And delivery. 

Where can you have:
A.  Two endoscopys (but not be charged for one because it was unsuccessful)
B.  An operating room
C.  Two specialists, both of which are the heads of their respective departments
D.  All the little charges for swabs, gloves, tubes, IV's, etc.

all for the low, low price of...............are you ready for this?..............$1500.00?

Breathe people, breathe.  I am not kidding or lying. 

Which begs the question - why in the hell are things, both medical and routine, so ridiculously expensive in America?

Is the ceiling fan a brand that I recognize?  No, but they are in every room and after 1 1/2 years, only this one has failed.
Is the hand held shower squirter a Kohler?  No, but again, they are in every bathroom and only one has failed.
When was the last time you heard of an American doctor NOT charging you - even if the proceedure didn't work?
Do you think you can buy an operating room in the states for $1500?
How many times have you had the head of the department as your doctor??

What is going on?  I do NOT have the answer.  I know that pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies run the show but REALLY?  The sad thing is, what are we supposed to do about it?  Not have insurance?  Not go to the doctor or use prescribed medicine? 

What about the cost of repairs/replacements?  How often have you noticed that the cost of the service call and labor was actually MORE than the part? 

Something is seriously wrong with our way of life in America.  Let me be honest - the average Indian can't afford any of the above.  The average American may be able to afford it, but will scrimp on other areas of their existence. 

I don't understand.  Do you?  When you figure it out, let me know!

Be good to yourselves!
B