Thomas Wolfe said....or maybe it was the title of one of his books...."you can't go home again." I never believed that until I moved to India and tried to do just that - go home again.
The problem with going home is that, what you think of as "home" doesn't exist anywhere but in your imagination. The people and places may be in the same spot but nothing stays the same. I don't think you realize that when you are in the thick of it - maybe because you are changing together and most of the time, in the same direction. Even if you are moving apart, the change is so gradual that it is barely noticeable until you look up one day and remember that you haven't seen Suzie for months.
When you leave - and I mean REALLY leave and try to come back, you spend your time two stepping to someone else's dance. Trying to fit in - trying, desperately, to hang on to whatever the relationship used to be. Recalling past shared experiences becomes monumentally boring and you find yourself frantically searching for that one best thing you shared. And you share it and..........there it is.........silence. You sit and stare at each other. At a loss. Unsure how to continue. And it's sad and scary and hurtful in ways you may not be able to articulate.
When I left, I had dying (practically) declarations of loyalty from every one of the people I considered close to me. They would email me, skype me, text me, whatsap me, send me long letters filled with newsy bits and juicy gossip. I existed on that promise. Guess what? With vary few exceptions (and I mean one or two people), it didn't happen.
And here's the embarrassing part. I didn't keep up my end of the bargain either. I made promises I didn't keep. I swore friendship til death and I dropped the ball. Except for those one or two people, I haven't made much effort - and the REALLY horrible thing is, it's ok with me.
Did we all intend to keep our promises? I believe in my heart that we did. Friendship is a funny and fragile little thing. There is the friendship that depends on the weekly meeting for coffee or drinks, constant communication, and continuous contact, and then there is the friendship that is deep and profound and doesn't need constant propping up and reassurances.
The "must have constant contact" friends are the friends that fade quickly. You realize that these friendships were built on sand and you shift, and they shift and the whole thing is off it's foundation before you know it. Then there are the "real" friends. You've built this foundation on sold rock. Nothing shakes it - not disagreements, not crazy decisions made by one of you, not distance, not time. Nothing moves it. Not one little bit. You both grow but the growth, though it may be in different directions, is just a wonderful addition to the whole deal and its not a threat and you are genuinely thrilled by this newness in the relationship.
To those true friends who read my blog - my solid foundation friends, and I believe you know who you are, you have blessed me more than you will ever know.
To Thomas Wolfe: you can go home again, you just have to leave your expectations at the border.
Be good to yourselves,
B
2 comments:
There are friends, and there are Friends...there are the kind who you have nothing in common with after spending a week apart, and there are the kind where you pick up as if no time has passed, no matter how long it's been. The last, those are soul mates, people in your life with whom you share a spiritual connection, even if you never talk about spirit. For me, those are the only ones I really want in my life. True, deep, moving, profound, and truly a part of who I am. I love you.
There are friends, and there are Friends...there are the kind who you have nothing in common with after spending a week apart, and there are the kind where you pick up as if no time has passed, no matter how long it's been. The last, those are soul mates, people in your life with whom you share a spiritual connection, even if you never talk about spirit. For me, those are the only ones I really want in my life. True, deep, moving, profound, and truly a part of who I am. I love you.
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