Hello Friends!
Today finds me in a frantic search for a plastic surgeon. One who can work miracles in 24 hours (I leave for Hawaii on Friday and this is Tuesday. I figured I'd leave a day for recouping).
I am the original saggy, baggy elephant. I need a face life, chin and tummy tuck, liposuction on my butt and thighs, and if I'm honest, my stomach, and I suspect an attitude adjustment wouldn't hurt as long as we are tinkering about.
How do we age gracefully in a world that photo shops Jennifer Lawrence? How do we age gracefully when we (and by "we", in this instance I mean primarily men......ok, and maybe VERY snarky women) judge Hilary Clinton not on her political abilities but by her pant suits?
All I can say is, thank God for clothes! Thank God for the people who created the "swimskirt". I used to snicker whenever I saw a woman in a swimskirt - now I think they are the best invention since......since anything! At this point, I will try just about anything to suck it all in...but I can't suck hard enough anymore! For my daughter's wedding I resorted to Spanx. OMG......just OMG......the first thing I did after the ceremony was find a bathroom and rip those suckers off and throw them in the trash! I couldn't even breathe! I have a new appreciation for women growing up in the age of the girdle. How DID you do it? Girdles and garters and pointy cone boobs? Oh My!
As is usually the case, I find I am much harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I was discussing plastic surgery with my husband and bemoaning the fact that "the girls" aren't nearly as perky as they once were. He told me he liked saggy girls.........smart man! This is why we've been married for 34 years.
I wish I looked as awful as I thought I looked in my 20's and 30's. Time is just a cold hearted bitch, ya know? I look at my thighs, which have melted to cover my knee caps, and I think "how in the world did that happen?" My torso has accordianed into itself, converging around my mid section like a human cowl. "When did that happen?" I have bingo arms and a webbed chin. My feet still look nice....and I still have relatively nice hands - something to hold on to!
I should have booked a vacation in Antarctica! Think of the camouflaging layers I could wear! Heavy sweaters, long johns under jeans, bulky coats! Instead, I am going where it's going to take an awful lot of self confidence just to leave the house. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be "aging gracefully", which for me is just another way to say "giving up" entirely! I still dye my hair blond, but who, really, is fooled by this?
Enough! I will go to Hawaii with my swimskirt and bat arms. I will walk onto that beach like I own it. I will not cast my eyes downward when I see some cute young thing in a bikini. I will try REALLY hard not to make rude and snarky comments in my head when I see one of those cute young things. I will have a great time! Fat tans! I will hold onto that thought!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! Be especially good to yourselves this holiday season - sometimes it can be a real downer!
B
Today finds me in a frantic search for a plastic surgeon. One who can work miracles in 24 hours (I leave for Hawaii on Friday and this is Tuesday. I figured I'd leave a day for recouping).
I am the original saggy, baggy elephant. I need a face life, chin and tummy tuck, liposuction on my butt and thighs, and if I'm honest, my stomach, and I suspect an attitude adjustment wouldn't hurt as long as we are tinkering about.
How do we age gracefully in a world that photo shops Jennifer Lawrence? How do we age gracefully when we (and by "we", in this instance I mean primarily men......ok, and maybe VERY snarky women) judge Hilary Clinton not on her political abilities but by her pant suits?
All I can say is, thank God for clothes! Thank God for the people who created the "swimskirt". I used to snicker whenever I saw a woman in a swimskirt - now I think they are the best invention since......since anything! At this point, I will try just about anything to suck it all in...but I can't suck hard enough anymore! For my daughter's wedding I resorted to Spanx. OMG......just OMG......the first thing I did after the ceremony was find a bathroom and rip those suckers off and throw them in the trash! I couldn't even breathe! I have a new appreciation for women growing up in the age of the girdle. How DID you do it? Girdles and garters and pointy cone boobs? Oh My!
As is usually the case, I find I am much harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. I was discussing plastic surgery with my husband and bemoaning the fact that "the girls" aren't nearly as perky as they once were. He told me he liked saggy girls.........smart man! This is why we've been married for 34 years.
I wish I looked as awful as I thought I looked in my 20's and 30's. Time is just a cold hearted bitch, ya know? I look at my thighs, which have melted to cover my knee caps, and I think "how in the world did that happen?" My torso has accordianed into itself, converging around my mid section like a human cowl. "When did that happen?" I have bingo arms and a webbed chin. My feet still look nice....and I still have relatively nice hands - something to hold on to!
I should have booked a vacation in Antarctica! Think of the camouflaging layers I could wear! Heavy sweaters, long johns under jeans, bulky coats! Instead, I am going where it's going to take an awful lot of self confidence just to leave the house. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be "aging gracefully", which for me is just another way to say "giving up" entirely! I still dye my hair blond, but who, really, is fooled by this?
Enough! I will go to Hawaii with my swimskirt and bat arms. I will walk onto that beach like I own it. I will not cast my eyes downward when I see some cute young thing in a bikini. I will try REALLY hard not to make rude and snarky comments in my head when I see one of those cute young things. I will have a great time! Fat tans! I will hold onto that thought!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! Be especially good to yourselves this holiday season - sometimes it can be a real downer!
B
2 comments:
Watch out for squinting in the sun...you wouldn't want to get a striped tan by remaining white in your wrinkles, because let's face it, I will laugh.
I've always had a rear bubbly enough to cast a shadow on the tops of the backs of my thighs,if it makes you feel any better. Big white spots between my legs and ass, even at firm 15.
We had babies and cancer. We are truly lucky to be alive to have these elephant skin 'problems' (and not be in jail for murdering our spouses during PMS at any time before cancer took that thrill away from us).
Wear your waving skin loud and proud. We are among the lucky who have the honor of aging.
Plus, your grandchildren (when you have them) will love to flap the bat wings, and hide things under them, while they pretend. Your 'flags' (as Oprah calls them) will bring great joy to small children who don't know to judge you yet.
Don't you dare teach them!
:) I love you more with each new wrinkle. May our wrinkles be deep enough to hold all our secrets! hahaha
Catching up on your blog is pretty much the most fun of the few days respite we're having - love you and miss you and look forward to seeing you in KC!!!!!
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