Hawaii, Here I Come

Hello Friends!

Today finds me in a frantic search for a plastic surgeon.  One who can work miracles in 24 hours (I leave for Hawaii on Friday and this is Tuesday.  I figured I'd leave a day for recouping). 

I am the original saggy, baggy elephant.  I need a face life, chin and tummy tuck, liposuction on my butt and thighs, and if I'm honest, my stomach, and I suspect an attitude adjustment wouldn't hurt as long as we are tinkering about.

How do we age gracefully in a world that photo shops Jennifer Lawrence?  How do we age gracefully when we (and by "we", in this instance I mean primarily men......ok, and maybe VERY snarky women) judge Hilary Clinton not on her political abilities but by her pant suits? 

All I can say is, thank God for clothes!  Thank God for the people who created the "swimskirt".  I used to snicker whenever I saw a woman in a swimskirt - now I think they are the best invention since......since anything!  At this point, I will try just about anything to suck it all in...but I can't suck hard enough anymore!  For my daughter's wedding I resorted to Spanx.  OMG......just OMG......the first thing I did after the ceremony was find a bathroom and rip those suckers off and throw them in the trash!  I couldn't even breathe!  I have a new appreciation for women growing up in the age of the girdle.  How DID you do it?  Girdles and garters and pointy cone boobs?  Oh My!

As is usually the case, I find I am much harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be.  I was discussing plastic surgery with my husband and bemoaning the fact that "the girls" aren't nearly as perky as they once were.  He told me he liked saggy girls.........smart man!  This is why we've been married for 34 years.

I wish I looked as awful as I thought I looked in my 20's and 30's.  Time is just a cold hearted bitch, ya know?  I look at my thighs, which have melted to cover my knee caps, and I think "how in the world did that happen?"  My torso has accordianed into itself, converging around my mid section like a human cowl.  "When did that happen?"  I have bingo arms and a webbed chin.  My feet still look nice....and I still have relatively nice hands -  something to hold on to!

I should have booked a vacation in Antarctica!  Think of the camouflaging layers I could wear!  Heavy sweaters, long johns under jeans, bulky coats!  Instead, I am going where it's going to take an awful lot of self confidence just to  leave the house.  I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be "aging gracefully", which for me is just another way to say "giving up" entirely!  I still dye my hair blond, but who, really, is fooled by this? 

Enough!  I will go to Hawaii with my swimskirt and bat arms.  I will walk onto that beach like I own it.  I will not cast my eyes downward when I see some cute young thing in a bikini.  I will try REALLY hard not to make rude and snarky comments in my head when I see one of those cute young things.  I will have a great time!  Fat tans!  I will hold onto that thought!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!  Be especially good to yourselves this holiday season - sometimes it can be a real downer!

B

 

Thank You, Thomas Wolfe

Thomas Wolfe said....or maybe it was the title of one of his books...."you can't go home again."   I never believed that until I moved to India and tried to do just that - go home again.

The problem with going home is that, what you think of as "home" doesn't exist anywhere but in your imagination.  The people and places may be in the same spot but nothing stays the same.  I don't think you realize that when you are in the thick of it - maybe because you are changing together and most of the time, in the same direction.  Even if you are moving apart, the change is so gradual that it is barely noticeable until you look up one day and remember that you haven't seen Suzie for months. 

 

When you leave - and I mean REALLY leave and try to come back, you spend your time two stepping to someone else's dance.  Trying to fit in - trying, desperately, to hang on to whatever the relationship used to be.  Recalling past shared experiences becomes monumentally boring and you find yourself frantically searching for that one best thing you shared.  And you share it and..........there it is.........silence.  You sit and stare at each other.  At a loss.  Unsure how to continue.  And it's sad and scary and hurtful in ways you may not be able to articulate.

 

When I left, I had dying (practically) declarations of loyalty from every one of the people I considered close to me.  They would email me, skype me, text me, whatsap me, send me long letters filled with newsy bits and juicy gossip.  I existed on that promise.  Guess what?  With vary few exceptions (and I mean one or two people), it didn't happen.

 

And here's the embarrassing part.  I didn't keep up my end of the bargain either.   I made promises I didn't keep.  I swore friendship til death and I dropped the ball.  Except for those one or two people, I haven't made much effort - and the REALLY horrible thing is, it's ok with me.

 

Did we all intend to keep our promises?  I believe in my heart that we did.  Friendship is a funny and fragile little thing.  There is the friendship that depends on the weekly meeting for coffee or drinks, constant communication, and continuous contact, and then there is the friendship that is deep and profound and doesn't need constant propping up and reassurances.

The "must have constant contact" friends are the friends that fade quickly.  You realize that these friendships were built on sand and you shift, and they shift and the whole thing is off it's foundation before you know it.  Then there are the "real" friends.  You've built this foundation on sold rock.  Nothing shakes it - not disagreements, not crazy decisions made by one of you, not distance, not time.  Nothing moves it.  Not one little bit.  You both grow but the growth, though it may be in different directions, is just a wonderful addition to the whole deal and its not a threat and you are genuinely thrilled by this newness in the relationship.

 

To those true friends who read my blog - my solid foundation friends, and I believe you know who you are, you have blessed me more than you will ever know.

 

To Thomas Wolfe:  you can go home again, you just have to leave your expectations at the border. 

 

Be good to yourselves,

B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am Surviving in India

Hello Ladies,

I have survived my latest illness and am doing much better.  I have cut out gluten, dairy, and sugar.  I am already bored with my food choices but, having recently returned from a trip to England where I ate all kinds of "bad" stuff, I am glad to be back to my boring food choices!

Now, on to more important things. 

Where can you have:
A. A ceiling fan replaced
B. A hand held shower squirter replaced
C. Two bottles of water delivered for our water cooler - plus the price of a deposit
D. The weekly newspaper

all for the low, low price of $53.80?  That includes all parts and labor.  And delivery. 

Where can you have:
A.  Two endoscopys (but not be charged for one because it was unsuccessful)
B.  An operating room
C.  Two specialists, both of which are the heads of their respective departments
D.  All the little charges for swabs, gloves, tubes, IV's, etc.

all for the low, low price of...............are you ready for this?..............$1500.00?

Breathe people, breathe.  I am not kidding or lying. 

Which begs the question - why in the hell are things, both medical and routine, so ridiculously expensive in America?

Is the ceiling fan a brand that I recognize?  No, but they are in every room and after 1 1/2 years, only this one has failed.
Is the hand held shower squirter a Kohler?  No, but again, they are in every bathroom and only one has failed.
When was the last time you heard of an American doctor NOT charging you - even if the proceedure didn't work?
Do you think you can buy an operating room in the states for $1500?
How many times have you had the head of the department as your doctor??

What is going on?  I do NOT have the answer.  I know that pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies run the show but REALLY?  The sad thing is, what are we supposed to do about it?  Not have insurance?  Not go to the doctor or use prescribed medicine? 

What about the cost of repairs/replacements?  How often have you noticed that the cost of the service call and labor was actually MORE than the part? 

Something is seriously wrong with our way of life in America.  Let me be honest - the average Indian can't afford any of the above.  The average American may be able to afford it, but will scrimp on other areas of their existence. 

I don't understand.  Do you?  When you figure it out, let me know!

Be good to yourselves!
B

Back Again

Hi Ladies -

It's been awhile.  I'm sure you all thought I had once again flaked out on the whole blogging thing.  Au Contraire!  I have been sick!

What follows is a boring but accurate account of my life since September and a reason that I haven't been doing much typing!

I have been really sick with stomach pain, diarrhea, projectile vomiting,  and weight loss (12 lbs. in 3 weeks).   I consulted an excellent Gastrointerologist at the local hospital - and let me take a minute to say that I was treated like royalty and received the BEST care at the hospital- who recommended tons of blood work.  Turns out, I am completely deficient in B12 (kind of a big deal) and Iron (another big deal).  He recommended an endoscopy, which was not successful because my pyloric sphincter has narrowed due to scarring from excess acid.  So, second endoscopy performed on Thursday.  This time, they inserted a balloon and widened the opening to 13.5 cm (normal is around 15, mine was 8) and took biopsies to check for Crohns, Celiacs, and Tropical Sprue (look the last one up).  After a one night hospital stay, I am home!  We do know that I have the H. Pylori bacteria that is responsible for peptic ulcers.  Actually, most people have the bacteria in their gut and it never causes an issue - lucky, lucky me.  Right now I am on 2 antibiotics, a huge vitamin, an antacid, and B12 shots every day for a week.  I also have had an IV iron infusion.  Waiting on the results of biopsies which will tell us if I have Crohns, Celiacs, or Tropical Sprue (look that up). 

I am feeling better, I think, and I am cautiously optimistic.  I had my first outing in about 3 weeks today (that wasn't to the hospital or doctor).  Made it all the way to the mall!  Had lunch, walked around for a bit, and am now exhausted beyond words :)  But I did it!

So, that's where I've been and what I've been up to and this is where my mind has gone lately.......I really want to cry (no worries, it's a side affect of B12 depletion), and I want to go HOME.  I hope this is a fleeting thing but honestly, it will depend on the results of the biopsies as to whether I continue here in India.  I don't want to be here if I have Crohns.  I may not even want to be here if I have Celiacs.  There are NO gluten free products here.  NONE.  If it is Tropical Sprue, this is the best place for me because no one in the states will know what to do with me.  Having said that, the only way you get Tropical Sprue is to live in a "tropical environment."  There ya go.  Do I stay or do I leave? 

I am tired of being sick.  Tired of being tired.  Joel has been SOOOOO wonderful!  He is such a good care giver!!!!!  I am really blessed that way!  I miss my kids, I miss my friends back home.

That's the sad, sad story for today.  Thanks for letting me vent and I hope next time I blog, I will be more upbeat!

Be good to yourselves,
B

I Do the Very Thing I Hate

From Romans 7:15, "for I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, I do the very thing I hate."

Yes, I just quoted the bible.  I will give you all a minute to pick yourselves up off the floor.  This verse has been rattling around in my head since one of my firsts posts - you know, the one where I said I was going to call my yoga instructor, get out of this group that I knew was seriously disfunctional...blah, blah, blah.

I want you to know that as of yesterday, I have accomplished all those things.  I begin yoga on Friday.  I resigned from the disfunctional group yesterday.  I have been in contact with my ayurvedic guru in Kansas who is getting my digestion back on track.  (More about that later)  I have taken names and kicked butt.  And you all know how this will end, don't you?

I have made this promise so many times I've lost count and in the end, I ALWAYS (by the way, typing in caps does not indicate that I am screaming, it is my attempt to really emphasize a word), ALWAYS go right back to doing what I do...which is stuff that I know is not good for me.  Stuff - food, people, activities, non-activity.....ALWAYS THE WRONG CHOICES.  I read a quote recently that is SO good that it hurts; "The first time it's a choice.  The second time it's a decision."    OUCH!   Why do I/we (cuz I refuse to believe I'm the only human who does this) make these "bad" decisions? 

For me, a big part of saying "yes" is the desperate need to be liked.  I want people to like me and the way to do that is to agree to all requests, no matter how loud my little voice is screaming DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!  For the record, my little voice rarely screams anymore.  She's given up.  All I get now is "big sigh - do whatever you want because I know you will ignore me anyway." 

Another biggie for me is fitting in.  Yesterday I went out for lunch with friends.  We had such a good time!  Did you know that there are California Pizza Kitchens in Mumbai?  Score!!!!!  What I should have ordered was a veg pizza, no cheese, extra sauce.  What I ordered instead was a Thai Chicken Salad.  Nothing inherently wrong with that except I KNOW LETTUCE CAUSES HORRIBLE PROBLEMS FOR ME!  Everyone else was getting a very lady like salad and I didn't want to have to explain my extremely temperamental digestive system.  OMG, I barely made it home.  And I KNEW what was going to happen as I was eating it.  Fitting in for me also means I don't want to be too "woo-woo".  You know what I mean....we all have those friends or family members that are just "out there".   Well, deep down, I AM "out there" but I'm in a closet "out there" so no one knows.  I'm a closet "out there" person.  Yoga is main stream now so I don't have to worry about that - unless, of course, you are talking about the spiritual aspects of yoga, then that's a totally different thing.  So, when I say I practice yoga, people see me in some asana, NOT meditating or working on ahimsa.  My friends here and in the US, with few exceptions are not very"woo-woo."  

Can all this be condensed into one simple sentence?  "Lacks self-esteem."  How very sad.  How sad that I feel I can't trust my family and friends with who I really am.  I imagine a lot of you are feeling or have felt the same things.  And when I commented earlier that you all know how this will end, I meant that I will maybe not do the same things, but I will do equally destructive things again and again and again, until I get a grip on being ok with who I am.  Without anyone telling me that I'm ok, without the approval of anyone else.  It has to come from within.  Let's all keep working on that.

Be good to yourselves!
B


 

What Have You Done Today, Dear?

I am SO over Daryl Dixon!  Please, stop putting pictures on fb and for the love of all that is, WHY does his picture often show up in the "food and drink" column of Pinterest?  Unless......Zombies run Pinterest - in which case, it makes perfect sense.  And another thing - Daryl, sweetheart, TAKE A BATH!  There are zombies that look clearner than you!

Pinterest is like crack.  I always think I'm just going to log on for a second and check on new recipes.  REALLY?  Are there REALLY any NEW recipes?  And, why are all the entrees covered in cheese?  Or made with cream or milk...or cream AND milk covered in cheese.....with cream cheese smeared on the top?  When did a simple apple pie turn into an Oreo encrusted, salty caramaled, fudge sauced, monstrosity?  You know, before Pinterest, you could even pretend without too much effort that apple pie was good for you cuz, like, there were apples in it.  Now it takes more imagination than even I have to see my way through the gloppy mess in a pie plate.

But I digress.  I'm always "just going to check for a second."  Three hours later I look up and see that the sun has set on another day while I have "liked and "pinned" my way through the entire Pinterest palette.  I really hate those days, especially when my husband comes home and asks what I've been up to.  I lie a lot.

I've discovered a couple of things about myself recently - well, not so much discovered as admitted to.  I waste a LOT of time.  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing inherently bad about spending time in a little ophaloskepsis (big word for the day - go look it up), but when you notice, like I have, that more and more of your time is spent doing god-knows-what, and at the end of your day you have nothing, not an idea, not a piece of writing, not even a gloppy pseudo-apple pie to show for it, it might be time to evaluate exactly what you are trying to avoid.  In my case, it was writing.

I do not think of myself as a writer.  The world has far, far, far, too many people in it who think every pearl that goes from their brain to paper is of incredible importance.  My family has some of those people.  YAWN!    I certainly don't think I'm funny or witty.  Nor do I think I have anything unique to share.  But, I've always wanted to try it so here I am and here you are and that's how we all came to be together.

So, to recap:  Daryl, take a bath.  Daryl, NOT a food item, Pinterest-bad, some ophaloskepsis good, do what you've been avoiding.

Be good to yourselves,
B

Yes, She CAN Be Taught!

Horray!

You can all find me now!  My friend, Star,  fixed my computer glitch - which was, as usual, operator error.  (That would be me.)   

So, today's big question.  When do you know when to leave "well enough" alone?  Let me rephrase.  How old do you have to be before you can look around you and say, "yes, this is good" and be happy with that assessment?  Maybe the question should be if we should EVER get to the point when we accept "good".  Should we leave that yarn unwound - enjoy the fact that it's just a hank of woven wool?  Or do we feel the need to "fix" it, make it "better", by winding it into something neat and tight and controlled?   Is this even a "how old do you have to be" question?  Maybe it's a "when do we get wise enough" question.  I wonder if, at some point, I received some sort of "enough" message and now it's the best I think I can do/be?  Ya' know?  At what point to we say "this may be good enough for you but "I" need it to be better for me."  The downside of that, though, is you really have to have the courage to stick to your guns - risking that whatever you are trying to fix, i.e., marriage, friendship, parental relationships....really any kind of human interaction you can think of, may have to end or if not end, may change in ways you don't fully expect.  How do we know how tightly to wind that yarn?   Think on these things my thought-y friends and let me know what you come up with!

In other news - I spoke with my maid who was a bit taken aback but, when confronted with the proof of her half-assedness, is willing to clean to my standards from now on.  And, I didn't even say "OR ELSE."  (I was trying to be a big person).   My spine is still weak and wobbly - didn't have the conversation with my friend and haven't called my yoga instructor yet.........but I will.  Promise.

And now, off to eat lunch and go about the usual stuff of life. 

Be good to yourselves!
B

 

It's been a long, long time.

I've been silent (at least on paper) for quite awhile now.  I've been encouraged by friends to continue so here I am...although this blog may be much less chatty, picture filled, and mild mannered.

I've just finished cleaning my kitchen.  I have a maid.  Those two statements seem incongruous.  If you have a maid, you might ask, then why are you cleaning?  Let's face it ladies.  Maids here in Incredible India have us by the short hairs.  I'm convinced they think western women are completely incapable of cleaning their own homes, so, they can do as crappy and half-assed job as they want, charge (in some cases) exorbitant amounts of money, and do shit.  I know maids who spend 8 hours EVERY DAY cleaning the same apartment.  Seriously?  What in the hell do you DO for 8 hours???  Especially when there are two people living in the apartment?????    You aren't actually "cleaning."  You've elevated "looking busy for 8 hours" an artform!

My maid was hired at a salary for more than most of her counterparts.  Within these negotiations was the understanding that she would iron and clean windows.  I made the mistake of giving her 500 rupees more one day when there was a ton of ironing.  Now, she expects it.  She recently hit me up for 500 more rupees if she does windows.  And I agreed.  Because I AM A SPINELESS WIMP WHO CAN'T STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO ANYONE.   Yesterday she was an hour late - no explanation.  AND I SAID NOTHING.  (see spineless wimp comment). 

Sadly for her - I have decided to make some profound changes in my life.  Ok, profound may be a stretch.  I have been in India for a bit over a year.  I have had intestinal parasites 3, YES THREE, times.  I am tired, people.  Freakin, F**kin, tired of being sick.  I recently went on a trip with a visiting friend.  We ate the same things, even sharing food and drink, for 4 days.  She is fine and enjoying the beach in Goa.  I am sitting in a chair afraid to fart.  This does not make me happy.  Talking with my dear, sweet friend, Sharon, I realized my life is totally out of kilter.  I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted.  I am drained completely dry.  Sometimes I have to get like that before I pay attention.  My body is craving nutritious vegetables (washed ONLY BY ME), and fruits (see previous comment).  I have a wonderful juicer sitting unused (and undusted thanks to the ace cleaning skills of my maid).  I have no spiritual life because I have sold my soul to be part of an organization that I don't even care about but that does prevent me from meeting with my amazing, wonderful, wise, and good yoga instructor.  I am giving nothing back to my community.

How does this impact my maid at all?  I am reclaiming Warrior Beth.  I am taking charge of me.  I am going to feel good enough about myself to feel like I deserve lotion on my body (yes, please don't tell me how pathetic that is because I know).  I am going to tell my friend that I just am not able to be part of her organization.  I value and love our friendship - I hope it continues through this.  I am going to start meditating.  I did.  This morning.  It was painful.  My mind went on full-tilt '"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO".  But I did it.  For 5 minutes.  The way I see it, if I keep it up I may be up to an hour in 50 years.  But I will be meditating.  I am telling my maid that "X" is her salary.  No more, no less.  If I choose to reward her with a bit more, than I will but don't count on it.  I am going to hold her to her agreement AND I am going to tell her that if her cleaning doesn't improve, she need not come back.  I don't want to clean my own apartment, but I will.  I am calling my yoga teacher today.

I know I'm not the only woman who feels out-of-whack.  Out of control.  Like life is a snowball rolling down the hill and we just stand there and let it hit us.  What kind of an idiot doesn't at least try to move out of the way?  The kind of idiot who feels like she deserves to be hit in the face, that's what kind.  I don't want to be that kind of idiot any more.  I'm sure I will find 100 different ways to be an idiot - but I won't be that kind again. 

I am only letting a selected few know about this new blog.  Sharon, Anita, Meredith, Megan, Star, Erica, Shani.  Ladies - you are my nearest and dearest.  You all encourage me every day.  Be good to yourselves today!

B